The Cost of Playing Small — And Why I Won’t Do It Anymore

I Grew Up in an Era…

I grew up in an era where children were expected to be seen, but not heard.
Where standing out, speaking up, or stepping forward wasn’t encouraged.

You learned to follow the rules.
To earn approval by staying in line.
To do well… but not too well.

I didn’t call it Tall Poppy Syndrome back then.
I just knew the safest place was to hide.
Hiding meant I wasn’t different. I couldn’t be picked on. I couldn’t be ridiculed.
Hiding meant I was “safe” — accepted.

And now, years later — as a father, a leader, and someone who’s worked with people at all levels of life and business — I can see the cost of that thinking.

Because I’ve watched brilliant people shrink just to stay accepted.
I’ve done it myself.

And I’ve seen it in my children — especially my daughters — as they navigate a world that still punishes people for rising too far, too fast.

That’s what this piece is about.

I’ve Seen It — And I Can’t Unsee It

I’m not writing this as someone who’s lived in the skin of a young, ambitious woman.
I’m writing this as a father of two fantastic daughters and a son who, for a time, spiked his hair to feel taller in a classroom where he was always the shortest.

That small act says everything.

We learn early how to adjust — to be noticed, to be accepted, or to stay invisible.
To rise, or to stay safe.

And I see it in myself, too.

I’m the firstborn. I grew up believing it was my job to go first, follow the rules, earn the brownie points, set the pace — but not rock the boat.

I didn’t realise until later how much I’d trained myself to lead without taking up too much space.

And how frustrating it was to see others — my siblings, my teams — hesitate to step up…
When perhaps I hadn’t made room for them to do so.

What Is Tall Poppy Syndrome?

It’s a cultural reflex: when someone stands out too much, we find a way to cut them down. Not because they’ve done wrong, but because their height reminds others of how small they feel.

It appears everywhere — in schools, families, and workplaces.

It doesn’t scream. It whispers:

“Don’t show off.”
“Don’t make others uncomfortable.”
“Don’t rise too quickly — or they’ll turn on you.”

It’s not always about gender.
However, it is often women—like my daughters—who feel the pressure to shrink the most.

Watch This 3-Minute Message.
Before you read on, I invite you to watch this short video — a personal reflection on what Tall Poppy Syndrome has cost me… and why I believe it’s time for us all to rise.

“It’s not a threat. It’s a signal.”

What landed for you?

If something in this message resonates with you, I’d love to hear about it. Leave a comment, share it forward — or better yet, tell someone in your life they’ve inspired you to stand tall.

What I Know Now

My daughters don’t need to be humbler.
They need to be more whole.

They need to know they can stand tall without apology.
That their light isn’t arrogance — it’s a signal that something better is possible.

My son? He doesn’t need to stretch to be seen. He needs to know he is already enough.

And me? I’ve stopped encouraging people to play small in the name of being “polite.”

Because I’ve seen the cost, I’ve seen teams lose their voice.
I’ve seen brilliant people make themselves small to stay liked.
I’ve done it myself.

We all lose when those with something to say stay silent.

“Leadership is not about being in charge. It is about taking care of those in your charge.”
— John C. Maxwell.

And care means creating space.
It means making room for people to feel seen, to be heard, to stand tall without fear.

Pause & Reflect

Here are five questions to help you pause, reflect, and rise:

Where in my life am I shrinking to make others more comfortable?
When have I unconsciously clipped someone else’s growth?
What messages did I grow up with about standing out, being first, or being seen?
Who in my world needs watering right now, not clipping?
What would change if I permitted myself to grow unapologetically?

If You Only Have Time for Two:

Where in my life am I shrinking to make others more comfortable?
Who in my world needs watering, not clipping?

Remember: Standing tall will always cast a shadow. But your light isn’t a threat — it’s a signal that something better is possible.

So, as a leader, a parent, a mentor, your job isn’t to clip the tall ones.
It’s to water them.

Next time someone rises, rise with them.
Recognise them. Thank them for sharing their voice.

And as for you?

You weren’t meant to blend in.
You were built to grow.

So, when it’s your turn to stand tall…
Don’t wait for permission.
Don’t apologise for the view.
Step into your greatness.
Grow your shadow.

Gary Good
Founder, LeaderLegacy

Like this article? Share it with friends:

Tell us what you think about this article! Leave a comment below:

Tall Poppy and the Shadow Beneath